“as with all journal writings, these are my thoughts, my perspectives, my journal open to be read by whomever. i am not a therapist, just a being that is fearless in sharing My mind”

— claudia

Recently I have been meditating on doubt. What makes the doubt outside of the studio?
For more than a decade beings have shared some of their most intimate feelings and it has been such an honor to hold Sacred space for each one of them. Within the walls of the studio being embraced by the Standing People it has been amazing to watch the growth of courage. In trainings… I say write it down. Manifest it. Put it out into the Universe.
This is what my Padrino always taught me.
Everything I have created, I have manifested.
And so I watch the long dreams become reality.
As with anything though, it takes consistent earnest practice to maintain the lives we so dearly want to live.
So what makes the doubt, when one leaves the studio?
Confidence?
Fear?
support?
hand holding?

I recently experienced a bit of a traumatic event and in the process I realized, what happened for others to doubt outside of the studio. I have learned that though people will communicate with me inside the walls of the Sacred Space, they won’t always when they leave.
Which honestly leaves me bewildered.
About 9 years ago a friend said to me “ I love you, but I don’t like to hang out with you, bc when I do, I have to be real.”
How could that not leave me feeling confused?
I realized that it was a good thing that people can be real.
They had a lot of trauma in their life and felt comfort in helping others, so much that they were able to shut out their own traumas and make themselves feel more ok.
Suppression won’t get us far, as the Elders have taught me.
What I have learned from Suppression.
If there isn’t an outlet, rage will be one.
Especially if they swung on the opposite of their parent’s pendellum.
The clenching of the teeth to me is Suppression.
The sleepless nights is Suppression.
The
One of the things I am most grateful for is my closest friends that I grew up with. M & R. We can communicate with one another so well. I like this. I don’t like that. You made me feel like this. You made me feel like that.
We talk. We Share.
I feel very fortunate for our relationship of not sugar coating our way thru life.
I feel like it set me up in being able to guide others in being their Realest Real and communicating with others.

So what makes the doubt…. outside of the walls of the studio for others to not share?
As a guide I can only set the example of communication. And as I mentioned before, not communicating is also a way of communicating.

Someone once asked if I said I am sorry. and I said what for? I purposefully say what I say and don’t seek forgiveness.
They said to me, “Well this person came to me hurt” and I said “Why can they not communicate to me?”
The Translator didn’t share with me why they were hurt, they simply said I hurt them and that I should say I am sorry for what I do not know. This message was relayed a year after the person chose Ghosting and Gifting as a method of communication.
Ghosting is when Suppression leads to Disappearance and Gifting was how they would still send ‘genuine’ gifts over that time year as layer of Confused Communication.
I simply told the translator, if I know I am in the wrong, I don’t have a problem apologizing but thought it unfortunate the inability of the person to communicate with me directly as a grown adult. My door for being to being communication is always open.

I have learned thru my years I may upset a few but there are many I haven’t. The common theme of the few were the ones that chose to stay a victim and though I am aware that spiral is not an easy one to get out of, I have seen the many many others that have.

So what makes the doubt…. outside of the studio?
What makes it that people can say such ugly and strong words like hate towards another, yet could have easily vomited all of their other feelings on to you and say ugly things?

Shame serà.

The thing that I have learned thru lots of work On and OFF the mat is….
I am responsible for My Own feelings.
It is that simple.

I have learned that when people don’t give me the benefit of a doubt with a conversation, I have learned to say, “Shame on you, that maybe how you think I think, but those are your thoughts and behaviors, not mine.”

Suppression leads to stories in the head. Confusion.
An agitation of nerves, causing a shaking either physical or mental.

So how does one move out of Suppression or Shame or the inability to communicate face to face?

I am not just venting, I am also sharing what has helped me thru the decades to avoid Suppression or the need to stay a victim.

Breathing. Forcibly Breathing. In the forest away from humans.
Clearing and Cleansing thru grunting breaths.

This recent trauma I couldn’t stop shaking and bouncing back from feeling the need to coddle/cuddle to reprimanding.
I went into the forest like a Mama Polar Bear and expelled all of the cold that was shivering within me. I turned in all corners and just kept grunting. Until I could feel the heat return within my blood. Bc staganation wasn’t an option to set in my lungs. When heavy stuff happens in my life if I do not move it, my lungs harden and it scares me. It begins in my back and feels like I was hit by a truck.
Then it all goes down hill from there.
Again, not an option.
And then I bleed it all out. What does that mean? My body is birthing my stronger version of me, and my period arrives early to intentionally flush out any residual chaos.

Guesss what happened after I came out of the forest? It snowed.
How does the Universe work alongside you?